#13 – The Queen of All Cosmos

Love is a woman who won't whack you around the head with that tennis racket

Naa na-na-na-na-na-na-naa na katamari damacy” – Katamari Damacy

Like all people trying to get themselves off addictive substances, I have suffered a relapse. I was fine for just under two years, then my girlfriend innocently picked some up and bang, I was back in. My thumbs will never forgive me, and I doubt my cat will either once I try to roll her up into my beanbag along with some cat food, our chairs and DVDs.

The quite frankly absurd world of Katamari is dangerous and should come with a health warning; not only for those playing and watching, but for the inhabitants of the game’s world. Imagine being rolled up by a giant ever-increasing-in-size sticky ball only to be made into a planet, or even worst, destroyed and made into ‘stardust’. It’s a scenario I wouldn’t be surprised to hear was going to be incorporated into a new Saw movie.

All of this occurs because the King of All Cosmos, whose job it is TO LOOK AFTER the cosmos, is an idiot. He has destroyed every last star in the sky not once, but twice; once after a late night drinking binge and the second after hitting a tennis shot so hard as to create a black hole, while his robotic double has destroyed them for a third time after going on a rampage. Add to this creating a tsunami and destroying all the islands for a holiday country, and you have perhaps the calamitous man in history, barring only Mr. Bean and Jeremy Kyle.

Tell me you would not terrified to see this hurtling down the street at you...

Sure, the King gets out of trouble by forcing his son and assorted cousins to roll up things to make new stars and planets, but they’re easy to cast as heroes given they’re the playable characters and actually created the robot version of the King that went mental. No, the real heroine of Katamari-land is the Queen, the long suffering wife of the King. A background character, maybe, but the Queen is the most supportive, unimposing and forgiving being the King could ask for. So what if the King endangered us all by destroying the stars constantly, she stands by him. When the King falls into a coma, she is constantly trying to wake him up doing whatever she can to help.

She is truly unwavering in her love and support for him. Plus she’s a female member of royalty in a video game who has not once been kidnapped, threatened or put in immediate danger. Those truly are heroic feats.



  1. Pingback: #15 – Michael Collins « Who In The Hell?

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